Let me start off by saying how many attempts I made at writing this entry – a bunch. So many emotions happened yesterday – and like I said from the beginning when I started this blog, I’m going to share with you the good, the bad, and the ugly. Although many who watched me ride at the show will tell you I did great and how proud they are of Copper and I – I am going to respectfully disagree. Copper was a total reflection of his rider – and I cannot and will not fault him for that. The fault lies completely with me.
Before anyone panics, nothing terrible happened at the show yesterday – other than my anxiety getting in the way of completing a 3 min Dressage test that I could do in my sleep – so poorly that on the drive home I started to think perhaps Dressage and competing isn’t for me.
The show was at a small boutique barn about an hour or so from our barn. The drive was lovely and the barn was extremely accommodating to not only the riders from my barn but for our horses. Stalls had been set up for our horses complete with bedding, water and hay – free of charge. There was no pressure to quickly tack up and get on your horse, there was ample time to warm up in a separate arena before going into the main one for the tests. Our horses settled in very quickly to their temporary accommodations.
Myself and Marin – a wonderful 10 year old who has become my little assistant in training at the barn, were going to be the only ones riding Copper at the show. It was decided that the adults would show first, followed by the juniors. I got Copper out of his stall and onto cross ties and got him tacked up quickly with the assistance of my friend Judy B. – yes, there are 2 Judy’s at my barn lol.
As my trainer led Copper into the warm up arena, I could feel a dip in my blood sugar and my legs suddenly felt like jello. But then the adrenaline kicked in and I was no longer shaky, but incredibly nervous. Like, really really nervous. Nervousness quickly turned into an anxiety attack. I could feel my chest start to tighten and my skin started to get hot from the hives. I stepped up to the mounting block, put my foot in the stirrup, counted to three and got on.
As my trainer and friend Judy literally walked with me around the arena, sheer panic started to set in. Copper was forward, but not out of control forward, but he was on alert – because I was on alert. After about 10 min of walking in each direction, it was time to trot. Copper had a lovely forward trot and he was on his game. I normally ride carrying a dressage whip but opted not to use it because he was already forward and responsive enough. Why was I so panicked you ask – I was in a small arena with 3 other riders – only 1 rider was from my barn, the other 2 were not. All my confidence that I had in the weeks leading up to this very moment fluttered away in a matter of precious minutes. Suddenly I questioned everything – including whether or not I should ride in this show.
And then it hit me. I was letting my horse down. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. Here I’m supposed to be the brave one to help give my horse confidence and I’m not able to do that. Because of that, Copper who was a little nervous on his own was now shouldering the weight of both of us.
As we were led out of the small warm up arena into the outdoor arena, Copper was unsure of himself. He normally loves outdoor arenas but this one was sketchy to him. Lots of decorative plants and things he couldn’t identify. He shy’d away from the “rail” which was going to be hard to get him close to it because we couldn’t just ride around for 30 min hoping he would get used to it, this is again where I let him down. I wasn’t brave for him. I wasn’t his leader.
As the test begins, we are supposed to trot down center line of the arena, halt in the middle and salute the judge. We did that perfectly.😊 Then we are supposed to proceed trotting down the center and hang a left…and we trotted, turned left and Copper stopped…and backed up. And backed up some more. Now I’ve done this test probably about 100 times over the span of 2 years. He’s NEVER done that. I’m also pretty sure I didn’t hit the reverse button. Copper did this totally on purpose…to get my attention and to force me to focus. Once I did, we finished the test and as the crowd cheered for us, my heart broke because I knew not only did I totally blow any chance of placing in the top 3, but I had let my beautiful partner down. And that hurt the most.
Looking at my smile, no one had any idea the hurt I was feeling on the inside, because I had allowed fear, anxiety, doubt ruin a moment I had been working so incredibly hard for. All gone in a matter of minutes.
After my ride, it was a quick tack change for Copper and it was Marin’s turn. As Marin warmed up in the arena, I saw a very relaxed Copper proudly carry his rider around. I watched in such awe as these two beautiful souls supported each other the way I wished I could’ve done for Copper.
Marin & Copper – both so incredibly confident with each other, ended up taking 2nd place. In those moments watching them complete their test, my heartache for my mistakes took a back seat and I was filled with such joy and happiness. Joy and happiness for Marin, who worked so hard as well on a not so easy horse to ride at times, but also joy for Copper who stepped up to the be the partner Marin needed. In a matter of minutes, Copper went from kicking my ass into gear to giving his total heart and soul to Marin showing us all just how special he really is.
Horses are amazing creatures that live in the present. Copper isn’t sitting in his stall focused on the show yesterday, like I am doing, and have been doing and most likely will continue to do. Nope, he has forgotten and forgiven me for not being the leader he was looking for. The next time I ride him my confidence will be back in full force because we will be in our home barn. Life will just continue for Copper as if nothing happened. But for me, the shame I feel for letting him down will haunt me. I know, you are sitting there yelling at the screen “Judy don’t be so hard on yourself.” I’ve heard that from my husband pretty much all day today lol as well as my friends who ride. I can’t help the emotions I’m feeling. I do wish though that I could be as forgiving to myself as Copper is to me.
I know my experience at the show is not unique to me, all riders experience some sort of inner meltdown, but this was a first for me. I am truly blessed that Copper is who he is. For my fellow equestrians, learn from every experience you encounter, especially the bad. Those experiences might break your heart, allow yourself to hurt, like I am doing right now, but find the strength to move forward, and ride another day.❤️🐴
Confessions of an Equestrianoholic 