Sunday Morning Diary – a fall, a confidence de-rail and being a curvy rider.

When I started this blog, I promised to share with all of you the good, the bad, and the ugly of horse ownership and riding. This entry falls under a mix of all of that.

Several weeks ago, I fell off of Copper. What was so profound for me – it was my first fall. Yes, after riding over 8 1/2 years, it finally happened.

Since the passing of my mom, I have been riding 4 times a week. Although my spirit has been willing, my body hasn’t been able to keep up. In fact, the day I fell, my body was physically exhausted. But I ignored what my body was telling me, and I rode anyway.

The fall happened about 10 minutes into my ride. Copper didn’t spook, nothing frightened him. He simply lost his footing a bit, because he wasn’t moving forward enough – let me rephrase that…because I wasn’t physically able to get him to engage properly, he briefly stumbled causing me to lurch forward, the left side of my face hitting into his neck, bouncing back from the impact, falling off of him, landing on my right hip, and rolling over onto my stomach. Hey, if you are going to have your first fall, do it dramatically 🤣.

As I lay on the arena ground, I did a quick check of my face – nose was bleeding a bit, but was not broken, my lips were numb but my teeth were fine. The left side of my face was bruised and swollen but I was OK. My right hip – badly bruised, very sore but nothing was broken.

Copper – totally OK. Once I got up from the ground, and my nose stopped bleeding, I got back on Copper and we continued our lesson – we trotted large circles in both directions and called it a day. My trainer got on him then to make sure he was physically moving well, which he was.

The trauma of falling, and yes, for me it was traumatic, it shook me to my core. I have always been very honest with my riding fears and anxiety, and my confidence was now completely shaken. Everyone has always told me, the more you ride, the more likely you are to fall. Sure, I logically understand that, but the emotions I experienced – I was not prepared for.

My first official lesson after my fall, I was scared. Not so much scared of falling, but scared that my body would let me down physically and I wouldn’t have the strength to ride him properly. The lesson went well, but the thoughts of my physical ability and weight and body type really took a front row seat in my brain – precious real estate I didn’t want invaded with such negative thoughts.

When I was a kid, I was the skinny little “string bean” as my mom would affectionately refer to me. Then puberty hit and the “string bean” turned into a “lima bean.” This began my weight struggle, something that I’m still fighting today.

Being an overweight 48 year old woman isn’t easy. Sure, you are probably thinking, just lose weight, diet and exercise and you won’t be overweight anymore. Guess what folks, it’s not that easy. Although over the years I have lost around 50 pounds, and managed to keep it off, I’m still considered overweight, or “obese” per the many weight charts available on Google. I am also entering the “peri-menopause” phase of my life, and weight gain is the norm, no matter how little you eat. Between the hormone issues, hereditary predisposition to excess weight, and being a diabetic where eating regularly to maintain blood sugar levels is crucial – this is the body I have.

Being overweight had a benefit with my fall off Copper, my “extra padding” prevented my hip from breaking as well as any other major damage, for which I’m so grateful. This is about the only benefit of having the extra padding.

Despite my weight, I can say I am physically the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. The riding, farm chores, ground exercises I do with Alfie and Flame, have helped get my body into shape, even if that shape doesn’t fit peoples opinions about what an equestrian is supposed to look like.

What is a woman equestrian supposed to look like – similar to a super model, except very strong. Well, I’m not a super model, I am just me. Over the years in the horse world, I have had comments made about my weight, surprisingly, most of those negative comments have been made right to my face. I know, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me – that’s a big ole lie lol. The comments hurt. Most times I am able to nicely deflect them, but the truth is, the deflecting of those comments is only on the outside, to the people who make them. On the inside, it’s nothing but pure pain.

There are always lessons a person learns with riding. My fall off Copper was a wake up call so to speak, for me to listen to what my body is telling me. My lessons these days are a bit different, I am dialing them back a bit, so I can focus on my body strength and being able to ride Copper in a more collected frame, so that he is forward in all his movements. This is also helping with my confidence a bit. I’m still nervous when we trot or attempt a canter, I can’t help but look down at his neck worrying he will stumble and I will fall again. But I take each ride as a new opportunity to improve.

As for the bully’s in the horse world – they come in all shapes and sizes. Some are total strangers passing judgment, some are people who you trust.

If you are a curvy rider like me, please know, you are not alone. I feel your struggles and frustrations. Please try to remember though – your body is who you are, and your body, no matter what size, has made it possible to ride. You are riding, whether you are riding for fun, doing dressage or just enjoying a relaxing trail ride in the forest, you are doing all that thanks to your body. Love who you are.❤️🐴